I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
i could never be president. im overqualified.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.