People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.