Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I feel seen
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim