Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what