Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My favorite farside!!
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.