Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Just so funny
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.