I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
You Might Also Like
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Welcome to the stomach
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.