My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.