dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Planet of the Apps.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
no one likes gloating
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.