CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My biological clock is wheezing.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Breaking news:
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Important reminders
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”