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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
✌️
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”