why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*