I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!