ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job