someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Death certificates are our last participation award.