The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
You Might Also Like
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”