*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I bet
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
crazy
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*