me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Cats are still liquid.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
No, I don’t think I will.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.