[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When you don’t understand how floors work
Finally! 😈
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
another case of gang violins
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae