What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.