Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak