God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
You Might Also Like
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.