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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect