In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
The real reason evolution started..😂
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Spell check is for lasers.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano