I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Florida be like…
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”