I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.