The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok