You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Oops
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.