“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.