Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft