Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
You Might Also Like
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke