Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
TODAY
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*looks at you in batman voice*