Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Rooting for the overdog
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
This meeting could have been a cake
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Did my cat write this