I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.