Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.