Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker