I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
same energy
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
cry laughing at this shit
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me :
All Day At Night
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.