PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby