Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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this makes me so uncomfortable
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]