[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
You Might Also Like
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
New tinder profile pic
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Nice try, NASA
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles