I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.