The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Guys, I found it.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.