It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.