Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho