Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Hotels are back
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”