Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
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If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Isn’t
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.