I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.