8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Finally, a door that understands me
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!