Cat is stressing him out.
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones