Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Friends that check up on you >
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start